Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
