One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
