His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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