I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
