I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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