sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
