Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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