My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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