her vagine was all disorganized.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have surprise drugs for everyone
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I could fuck to npr.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
