I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
