I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
