You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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