yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
