K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
