When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
