Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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