you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
