i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
