holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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