We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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