I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
