Can i not drive my cunt home
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
