Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
