so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
His nipple licking is glorious
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