organizing the empties. That sober.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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