Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize