tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
