Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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