hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
