He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
