Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
