I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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