I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
