Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
