i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
