i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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