Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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