the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
