Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The best revenge is premature balding
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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