i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
