When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
