i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
