i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
