turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
