My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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