"it" just moved
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
