I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Are my feet made of real feet?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
