girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
