the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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