I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
