I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
