i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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