Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
