dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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