I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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