You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my shit smells like andre
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
