The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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