I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
