yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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