can we get nightvision for the apartment?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
