It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
